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Posts Tagged ‘Dr. Jekyll’

I was sitting here thinking to myself about what I would write for the first official post. I want it to be spectacular and informational and the best out there… Ok that is just plain crap. 🙂 I honestly want to write the wright thing here and I’m at a loss to know what people will want to read about. How much do I give away? Should I start at the beginning as this is the Journey’s Beginning Blog but should I really start at the beginning and possibly bore people to tears? Should I start with where I am in my life and vent about all the negative things that have happened over the years?

There are so many questions that I don’t know where to start. So Here Goes Nothing!  I randomly opened my student bible to Matthew chapter 7. Now I’m not going to even try and pull it off like I know the bible inside and out. That would be a huge lie. I can’t recite verse for verse like some people can. But I do believe in the words and I was taught that if you randomly open to a passage then that is what God wants you to learn about at that moment.

Chapter 7 is about Judging Others. Do not judge others or they will judge you. Pretty simple concept. We all judge each other each day from the first moment we lay eyes on a person we are judging what they are wearing, or saying. How they’ve styled their hair if you’re a girl to what kind of car they drive. We as humans judge EVERYTHING!

We have learned in school what behaviors and attitudes will get the right attention from the teachers, our friends and family. We have learned how to cover up what we are really thinking and feeling so that we wont be teased or get in trouble. No one wants to be judged by our actions and thoughts but we are. Each and every day we are judged by what we say and do. We all lead double sometimes triple lives. What people see on the outside and who we are on the inside are very different.  I think that in doing so we also tend to hide our true selves from ourselves so we wont get hurt. If we hide from our friends and acquaintances aren’t we also hiding from ourselves? How well do we let people see who we are? I know that I personally am afraid of what someone will think of me when I first meet them so I moderate what I say to them so that I wont look foolish. I wouldn’t say afraid in the way it means to be scared but afraid that I will say something stupid and they will think me an idiot. lol

When I was young I was a know it all. I admit that. I loved to learn and pushed myself to learn more each day. I would raise my hand for every question. I loved history and could recite names and dates with ease. I could tell you anything you wanted to know about the Civil War or British History. I loved math and would sit for hours doing problems or reading books. I was teased mercilessly at school for it. I had no friends and sat alone all the time.  I turned to books to escape my world and live in someone elses.

I learned to turn inward and keep things to myself. By 6th grade I made sure I asked the dumb questions in class even if I knew the answer so that the kids would stop calling me Yoda. Yes that was the horrible nickname they gave me. I made sure to hide my homework and papers so they wouldn’t see my grades. I still had to make sure I got top grades because  if I came home with grades lower than A’s my mother would yell at me and tell me to do better; that I wasn’t studying enough or paying enough attention and i’d get grounded or worse I’d get the belt. I was leading a double life. I wanted so bad to please everyone that I didn’t stop to think about what would please me. How many of us can actually understand what is going on inside our friends? The outside appearance does not match the inside reality of our thoughts.

This has gotten me thinking about how I’ve let myself, my inside self diminish and fade. I present what people expect of me not what I truly am. Doing this I think I’ve made choices in the past that have definitely been a negative force on my life and my soul. I have hidden away any traces of who I really am. I’m not sure I even know who I really am anymore. That is something I need to figure out. Heck it is something that we all need to figure out. Maybe then we can push forward in our relationships and start letting people in more to get to know us. I know I have walls up to guard against getting hurt. I know that I don’t give people a chance because I think that there is that minute chance that they will damage me in some way. Is this fair to them? Is this fair to me? No! I know this yet I still do it.

So how do we change that? How do we figure out who we really are? I have no idea. lol

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