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I had to take a step back for the last few weeks and evaluate my life, choice, and goals. It has been a huge struggle to reconcile myself with the end of a long term relationship, loss of my home, and split with my family. I have been lost and feeling alone but strangely motivated to move things forward with a ever growing need. Not sure where my choice will take me but I am hoping that I will have the strength to do it.

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Ambition, fueled by compassion, wisdom and integrity, is a powerful force for good that will turn the wheels of industry and open the doors of opportunity for you and countless others.

Zig Ziglar

How do you know what path to take? I’m not talking spiritually but how do you go in one direction over the other? Do you take the path lined with great opportunities but sell out your soul or take the harder path and not know what your destiny will hold? Do you take the road of ambition only… secluding yourself from friends and family seeking the almighty dollar or do you try and balance it out and have it all? Can you have it all? Is that possible? I want to believe that I can have a family, find a husband and have a great job without loosing everything I hold dear.

How do you know what is the right path? I’ve been offered a job but it is out of the area where my kids have grown up. Do I pull my kids out of school and move? Do I take them away from their friends and father? I’ve got till Friday to make the decision. The pay is good but is it worth the move? How do I know that this is the path in the road that I’m supposed to take?

LORD, if you kept a record of our sins, who, O Lord, could ever survive? But you offer forgiveness, that we might learn to fear you.Psalm 130:3-4, NLT

Keeping a record of sins (or holding a grudge) is like building a wall between you and another person, and it is nearly impossible to talk openly while the wall is there. God doesn’t keep a record of our sins; when he forgives, he forgives completely, tearing down any wall between us and him. Therefore, we fear (revere) God, yet we can talk to him about anything. When you pray, realize that God is holding nothing against you. His lines of communication are completely open.

I received 15 emails about my last two posts. Most of them were very encouraging and wanted to read more about me and why I’m writing my life out for the world to read. So for the past day I have been going over the emails I received  and the  last post I got  I am worried about what I’ve read from one particular person. I was told that I need to suck it up and stop complaining about my life. That in life, the real world doesn’t care who you are on the inside and that they rarely care who you are on the outside as long as they get what they want from you they don’t need to look further. The person said that it is good to build walls around yourself so that you don’t have to put up with other peoples…excuse the language here… “bull shit.”  This way you wont have to get close to anyone and open yourself up to the pain of disappointment and heartache. I had to read that one a few times.

It got me thinking. How can a person become so bitter and hostile about themselves that they could think this way? Then I thought so what? I don’t know this person. What they say doesn’t effect me at all. But in reality it really does. I interact with people all day long every day who are like this. They are friendly on the outside; they smile and make polite small talk even go so far as to hang out with friends and may have a somewhat functioning relationship but you can look at them and know they are not happy. They are a little standoffish and cold but they function and interact with their coworkers and what not just fine. They are miserable though. They are sad and lonely and are in so much pain but are to stubborn to ask for help. I know a few people who are like this and I have had to cut them from my life because their inward negativity is so overpowering. That’s the best thing to do. Cut out the rotten part of the apple. I know I am going to get a bunch of flack from that person who emailed me and I’m sorry if I’ve offended them but this is something that needs to be addressed.

I realize that we all have done this.  It just amazes me sometimes. How can someone be so cynical? Not everyone is out to get you. 🙂 Really. I promise. There are good people out there. 🙂

I have a lot more to say on this but I need to get to sleep as it is almost 1 am. I will pick this thread up tomorrow. I’d love to get your responses to this in the mean time.

I was sitting here thinking to myself about what I would write for the first official post. I want it to be spectacular and informational and the best out there… Ok that is just plain crap. 🙂 I honestly want to write the wright thing here and I’m at a loss to know what people will want to read about. How much do I give away? Should I start at the beginning as this is the Journey’s Beginning Blog but should I really start at the beginning and possibly bore people to tears? Should I start with where I am in my life and vent about all the negative things that have happened over the years?

There are so many questions that I don’t know where to start. So Here Goes Nothing!  I randomly opened my student bible to Matthew chapter 7. Now I’m not going to even try and pull it off like I know the bible inside and out. That would be a huge lie. I can’t recite verse for verse like some people can. But I do believe in the words and I was taught that if you randomly open to a passage then that is what God wants you to learn about at that moment.

Chapter 7 is about Judging Others. Do not judge others or they will judge you. Pretty simple concept. We all judge each other each day from the first moment we lay eyes on a person we are judging what they are wearing, or saying. How they’ve styled their hair if you’re a girl to what kind of car they drive. We as humans judge EVERYTHING!

We have learned in school what behaviors and attitudes will get the right attention from the teachers, our friends and family. We have learned how to cover up what we are really thinking and feeling so that we wont be teased or get in trouble. No one wants to be judged by our actions and thoughts but we are. Each and every day we are judged by what we say and do. We all lead double sometimes triple lives. What people see on the outside and who we are on the inside are very different.  I think that in doing so we also tend to hide our true selves from ourselves so we wont get hurt. If we hide from our friends and acquaintances aren’t we also hiding from ourselves? How well do we let people see who we are? I know that I personally am afraid of what someone will think of me when I first meet them so I moderate what I say to them so that I wont look foolish. I wouldn’t say afraid in the way it means to be scared but afraid that I will say something stupid and they will think me an idiot. lol

When I was young I was a know it all. I admit that. I loved to learn and pushed myself to learn more each day. I would raise my hand for every question. I loved history and could recite names and dates with ease. I could tell you anything you wanted to know about the Civil War or British History. I loved math and would sit for hours doing problems or reading books. I was teased mercilessly at school for it. I had no friends and sat alone all the time.  I turned to books to escape my world and live in someone elses.

I learned to turn inward and keep things to myself. By 6th grade I made sure I asked the dumb questions in class even if I knew the answer so that the kids would stop calling me Yoda. Yes that was the horrible nickname they gave me. I made sure to hide my homework and papers so they wouldn’t see my grades. I still had to make sure I got top grades because  if I came home with grades lower than A’s my mother would yell at me and tell me to do better; that I wasn’t studying enough or paying enough attention and i’d get grounded or worse I’d get the belt. I was leading a double life. I wanted so bad to please everyone that I didn’t stop to think about what would please me. How many of us can actually understand what is going on inside our friends? The outside appearance does not match the inside reality of our thoughts.

This has gotten me thinking about how I’ve let myself, my inside self diminish and fade. I present what people expect of me not what I truly am. Doing this I think I’ve made choices in the past that have definitely been a negative force on my life and my soul. I have hidden away any traces of who I really am. I’m not sure I even know who I really am anymore. That is something I need to figure out. Heck it is something that we all need to figure out. Maybe then we can push forward in our relationships and start letting people in more to get to know us. I know I have walls up to guard against getting hurt. I know that I don’t give people a chance because I think that there is that minute chance that they will damage me in some way. Is this fair to them? Is this fair to me? No! I know this yet I still do it.

So how do we change that? How do we figure out who we really are? I have no idea. lol

I decided after a long journey of praying and seeking guidance that I would try to discover what my purpose on this Earth was and share that journey of discovery with the world. I admit it is a bit self serving to write about one’s thoughts and feelings and spew the soul to the world; not knowing if anyone out there even wants to read about it.  Who really wants to read about someone else’s crap? This discovery of my life is not meant to be a dumping ground of unloaded burdens and thoughts but rather a in MY face realization of what is important to me. I find that confronting things on paper or in this case the screen, make me own up to what I am feeling. I can’t hide when the thoughts are right in front of me. So with that in mind I will be writing about my life; past, present, decisions, relationships, all the good, bad, and the ugly trying to find the right path for my future. I love pictures and music and will incorporate them as I feel they are necessary to describe my current  thoughts and mood.

I am a creative writer by heart and have always written on paper. Writing on paper has always made me slow down and contemplate what I am going to write about instead of using a computer where I can easily hit that wonderful delete button and forever erase my thoughts. I will try to control the impulse to do so though no promises. 🙂

I welcome comments and advise. Guidance and the occasional slap in the face if you feel I need it. 🙂  All I ask is you keep comments clean of hatred. I wonder if anyone will be guided by what I am writing about? Will I make a difference in someone’s life? Hum, something to think about isn’t? We’ll see wont we? 🙂

Let the journey begin…